


Just my late night fights with my pen and paper

by staisooo



Category: Prose - Fandom, Writer - Fandom, my own alright, poems - Fandom, prose and poems - Fandom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2019-06-17 22:32:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15471567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/staisooo/pseuds/staisooo
Summary: title says it allwriting keeps me saneim really not thinking this through rn so please ao3 bug me about this some other time since ive shit to write like right at this minutejust know i'm writing this for ME. Nobody else.





	1. 1- The night I decided to start this

### The first thing I did after writing this was:

### put the pen down with quite a force and put both hands on my face with a loud sigh.

### A second later, I smiled.

### The feeling of writing every ounce of emotion I had down is still the best feeling.

 

my mind needs to be stopped,

my arm feels so numb it's probably the overexerting effort I put into rock skipping,

like my attempts on becoming a better person.

Or maybe I lack the form so I only used one part of my body and maybe I should've used all of it.

From the stance I made, to every cell of my body that was forced to keep doing such a task that looks pointless on the outside but gives me peace on the burning soul inside.

Regrets.

I hate it when such things flood through my mind.

I don't mind the numbing pain throbbing around my right arm but I can't handle the regret that it shouldn't have happened and could've been prevented.

Why am I so frustrated when it's always an apology too late or before a hurtful word could be retaliated?

Why is it always, no, Why am I always regretting? Fucking hell.

Living a life without regrets is impossible.

So what is possible for me?

I never knew from the beginning When?

When am I supposed to know?

Can God answer that? Can he?

If I go to mass every Sunday will he eventually let me in on that secret? 

-

I stopped writing to blow my nose not knowing the force could affect the flow of my thoughts.

 

People ask me why I don't write more ofte- Bullshit.

No one ever fucking appreciated what I wrote

They only liked the fancy smanshy words I used and the fact that I let them even read it.

Will they remember it? No. Understand? They could try

but no ones ever fucking tries hard enough if it isn't for themselves anyway. 

-

Gifted with a brain but not with a kind soul

Yet why am I still allowed a pang of regret every time I recall shit;

how I shouted, stormed out, trash talked, hurt someone- physically, mentally.

Why can't I just own up to them and lessen my regrets

If I don't find the answers tomorrow in God's church then where else should I go?

to Satan himself?

Maybe I should.

Since I've always only known how to embrace this burning fire in me.

So I could rapidly dissipate in thin air and vanish from everyone I've caused inconvenience to.

Fuck I should've written in an a3 page.

Fucking regrets.

They hit you the time when you're not willing to be hit by anything at all.


	2. what hurt me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in the drafts for too long

man

it hurts finding out I'm the one that needs to change

that my attitude is the reason why i get into unnecessary trouble.

it's true that stupid people dont see what theyre very bad at and when they do it fucking hurts so much that even my eyes cant stop these tears from escaping.

i dont know how to feel for that someone that made me realise this

annoyed? tell them theyre wrong maybe?

or grateful? and actually hope i can do something about it.

Like Im such a bitter person i cant help it

Tell me, do i need something or someone just for me to snap out of all of this?

I dont genuinely know how i feel most of the time but yes,

i do know when i feel genuinely happy for someone

unfortunately, that also means i do know when i DONT feel genuinely happy for someone, like it's unsettling and shit but man sometimes i really do stupid shit then suffer the consequences then see that fuck, im barely breathing again after just surviving that.

how do i explain it to people

i think my bestfriend has that bitter side of me and understands but i dont think its helping me change because she's all about that idgaf attitude

well...

it's very hard facing this all alone and realizing no one will ever understand your burden as much as you


	3. u can miss it but not want it back right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jfc i just want to be able to focus

_Jon Bellion's song "Overwhelming"_ is playing

Perfect. Just, perfect. 

Oh now it's "im so tired" by lauv and troye

Shut up. 

My spotify playlist knows me well pft. 

Had to put my pen down because I feel it inside me, some storm was brewing. 

Hate triggered it? Nah, Not the song either. Can't figure it out tho

 

_hurts like heaven_

 

somehow this time i wish my heart would take over, not my brain.

i mean ive always let my brain take over, didnt matter when where why how 

oh just great, someone messaged me about avengers  _endgame._

damn it damn it damn it

im so sad now thank u 

 

n e x ttttt

 

 

 

 

_can't unmiss you_

 

im shivering, but not because its's cold but because i am.

 

alright hi mom i see u texting me to 'rest'

god i wish i had a fucking break from everything but not from life but life is basically what i have

 

_blackbear's suckerz playin_

 

ah

I know what triggered it

FriENDshiP

okay im going to be a little shit

nevermind but can someone punch me in the fucking face and lower my expectations

 

im scared because i know i still havent found my person.

im so impatient and tired and scared and cold and i just want to be able to chill for like an hour without feeling guilty?

is that possible?

is that why ive started to count down all the days until ive passed through one of the biggest stages in my life

slow death, slow burn, everythings slow. is that why i love turtles.

but turtles aren't even fucking slow thats just bull

ok here i am again getting sidetracked wee

 

 but honest to all the gods out there or if there is only one then consider that a tYpOgRapHiCal error

,,,

i miss my past self?

i wish i could undo everything

feel like i wont even regret it

it's like turning off your ds really when the level gets too hard and u keep dying

some choose to live with those deaths in the game,

others turn it off, brush it off and start over again, pretending they havent fucking killed their character more times than theyve felt they were alive (ok me)

and then some just cheat. pft okay sometimes me.

 

that's it. I cheat (no not on anyone thats just no )

I      

cheat

i am a cheat

yeah ok 

I cant accept defeat but not the defeat in other ppl's eyes its more of like my own eyes

i just cant live with failure and i goddamn know that

my biggest fucking flaw along with many more.

 

and i feel helpless because i feel like any day the god(s) will chase me, say hello this is what u deserve from trying to be a perfect little shit,

and wow

i feel like theyre chasing me, and when they catch up to me, the failure's gonna break me

like the feelings are so fucking indescribable i need to read a fuckton (fuck u Newton ) of books outside my brain capacity to even start 

im so dramatic but ill be fine,

just, scared.

of basically everything and anything, but im impressed my mouth doesnt seem to get that  _i am fucking scared_

it just says these fucking happy things, stupid silly positive things???

ah, the feeling comes and goes 

 

for now all i can do is run

it's what im good at my ex said i agree i suck at everything else and i run from that fact but here i am saying it because im not about to stop exposing my lil self ha

ok goodnight need some bubble tea or a hug or a cuddle or like some warm fucking soup or a warm person Ah i forgot maybe a hennessy???


	4. screwdriver

all this time i thought i was the fuckin screwdriver

the one people hold to fucking change and make things

nahman

im just a screw

all twisted and stagnant and always fucking falling and replaceable and stuck

only thing is, i aint no metal of a person

im no sturdy bitch

 

if all things im a fucking magic trick,

sure there's a huge chance you'll be impressed by what you '''''see'''''

then you find out what im all about you're just like '????'

it's not that im looking for a magician so they know me off by heart, inside out and shit like that,

id rather have a stranger look at me in awe and refuse to find out the 'secrets' and how i actually work just so they can savour what theyve experienced and see

 

im a coward, even if i try change i lack self-control,

sure im strong on other things but like superheroes, you cant just fucking fly around without having to worry about being tired and getting lost yea?

 

superman gtfo here if ur reading this 

hey supergirl welcome

 

okay if i find a magician tho, [[ok ive found a couple who wanted to be my magicians but

but like

it's?so?hard?to open up???????asdfgjkl

 

it's like someone steals my voice the moment my jaw moves

 _snatches_ the voice out of my throat

okay and then when it comes back my brain's all like 'haha. no.'

withdraw withdraw withdraw

'still no.'

 

oh hey dont forget tomorrow ill wake up as bubbly (okay maybe grumpy but i will be bubbly at some point trust me)

and hyper and unproblematic

and like forget this piece until i go back to ao3 because everything else seems unattractive and i dont want to talk to people and forget i have some essay to write and have the exam of my life in thirty nine  _fucking days_

ok

goodnight

not gonna read this shit again im gonna go ctrl + A + backspace

 

 

 

 

 


	5. why do i even bother with titles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for me for me for me

i once got carpet burn,  

i yelped quietly and i watched it until it didnt hurt anymore

i was sad no one noticed,

i was sad because i know if they had, it wouldnt be a reaction i wanted to see anyway.

 

but pain i realised, you can only stare at and ponder until it really doesnt hurt

and calling out for people to help you heal?

it's not necesarily helpful,

we gotta learn how to be in pain alone so we can understand some people's pain.

 

see ive never considered myself nice or empathetic or someone who has a real compassion for others but hey i love seeing people happy

that shit genuinely pushes me off further from hell (or i need a dictionary and just admit it wtvr)

like that'd be nice, but it looks nicer on them so that's just the nicest

and i just look at them and observe them because even if theyve done you wrong even if theyve stabbed ur back even if you yourself have bitched about them,

they still have goodness

they still have this thing thats innate in them that makes them beautiful

and like i fucking believe that.

you know when i feel disappointed?

when i have to pretend i hate 

i despise

i dont like her because

i dont think he's decent because

god i wish i had integrated like and love earlier on

i cant take back those words though cant i?

like, if I were to say those to myself, pffft it's just cruel.

Yeats was goddamn right, humans are the most dangerous species out there because we pretend and then suddenly it's our reality?

evolution is what makes us us but evolution is what makes us lose hope in us

if everything was so goddamn precious why are we okay ill stop saying we why am i so careless

i know i shouldnt be doing this but i am

i have ''better'' things to do but this is what i think benefits me more so what wins who wins

are we just a bunch of losers stuck in this terrible beautiful place?

i hope not because id like to meet more beautiful people even if it's scary that no one will see me as how id see their internal beauty

i get struggle, i get bad times, i get bad attitude, i understand we all have that but please i just want good because bad and hate and dislike and it's suffocating

 

what's tragic is i say this but the next day all i do is dislike and hate and just...contradict myself?

i wont blame it on being human so i just wont blame it on anything

let it be u know

 

oh dear, i forgot about studying already lmao.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're actually interested in this just know I made this on the date of my ex-best friend's birthday. Doesn't make sense like most parts of my life but I'm here to enjoy shit and avoid expending my energy on such shallow issues so I'll just write about them. It's more fun and worthwhile doing it, though can get emotional.  
> fuck, this is so much effort but hey i actually do watch a couple of anime and im in a lot of *problematic* fandoms (as if i wasnt problematic enough)  
> I'm okay with English grammatically, but goodness just know when i made this my mind was racing and im just lazy by nature.  
> You can call me a shikamaru nara counterpart (;
> 
> Also if you appreciate a lazy enough reply, go ahead and message me I'll tell u more about the less boring parts of myself heh.


End file.
